Holding my Thoughts in my Heart
by Shiny Ryuichi Sakuma
Summary: It was over as suddenly as it began. But truly, could he turn his back on the feelings he had for him? Optimus/Starscream. SLASH!


**Title: Holding my Thoughts in my Heart**

**Warnings: Mech x mech. SLASH.**

**Disclaimers: Not mine.**

**I absolutely love the idea of Starscream and Optimus having an illicit love affair. And I needed a break from Indulgent Seduction. Hope you all enjoy and depending on the response, I may make this more then a one shot! :- )**

*******

He shouldn't have even been here. It was wrong, _so_ wrong. It went against all of his own personal codes and morals. But seeing the beautiful Seeker writhing underneath him, moaning _his_ name, rubbing frantically against him… It took all he had to even _leave_ Starscream when their trysts were finished. He hated himself for days afterwards, even more so when he recollected these passionate encounters with vivid clarity. He wouldn't self overload; it would have only made him more disgusted with himself.

Starscream was panting as he stroked his cockpit with experienced precision, his other hand fondling the sensitive wiring of his gorgeous wings. A shudder wound it's way through the Seeker's body. Optimus looked at Starscream's face; the red optics were half open and darkened to the deepest shade of burgundy with a growing hue of indigo as the lust heightened. His lips were partly open and his glossa ran across his bottom lip, sending erotic images to Optimus as he remembered that glossa licking his spike with uncontrolled zeal.

"Prime…Oh, _slag_, I'm gonna-" Starscream moaned, thrusting his hips upwards, conveying his need towards the Autobot leader. Starscream was so far gone that all sense of decorum and pride had vanished to be replaced by this keening, mewling, sexy creature that made Optimus feel like he'd never felt before. He forgot during these stolen moments that the war even existed, that the Matrix wasn't housed inside him. His responsibilities waned and he allowed himself to be selfish.

"_Optimus!"_ Starscream screeched, living up to his name as his voice echoed the canyon walls, as Optimus stopped touching Starscream's cockpit to caress his codpiece. The metal was scorching hot underneath his fingers, faint traces of lubricant leaking from the seams. It never amazed him how wanton Starscream was and not for the last time, he wondered if he had been Starscream's first. That he taken the Seeker's chastity. It was a strange notion to even consider because of Starscream's appearance and because of Megatron's reputation. But when Starscream was like this, _begging_ for it… It made Optimus's engine roar with desire for him.

"What do you want?" Optimus asked, surprised by how husky his voice was. He was even more surprised by the amount of lubricant that was pooling in his own interface port.

"I'm not begging!" Starscream hissed, rocking against the hand that refused to open his codpiece, "Never!"

The hand on Starscream's wings tightened, fingers teasing the cluster of sensors. Starscream's energy field spiked around them, electricity zapping between them, and the sky began to darken above. Optimus was never unsatisfied with the intensity of their interfacing. It was brutal and raw and woke a side of him that had been dormant for eons. None of his past lovers could compare to Starscream and what the Seeker invoked inside him.

He supposed he should be more revolted with himself for allowing a Decepticon to be with him during his most intimate of moments, for granting the same Decepticon permission to touch him, to spark merge with him. He knew his team would be disappointed and perhaps even rebellious if they ever discovered his liaisons with Starscream. They wouldn't understand. And they wouldn't believe him, that it was only about the interfacing, and that the two did not trade information. That they were both still completely loyal to their factions. It just so happened that they were in sync when it came to sex.

And he saw a side of Starscream that existed outside the egomania, the pride, the manipulation, the lies, the treachery. He saw a mech that was outrageously intelligent and desired romance and love to a degree that made Optimus's spark pity him. Starscream wouldn't admit to any of it but Optimus knew that deep down, Starscream was aching for acceptance and love. He had seen bits and pieces of Starscream's past during their spark merging; the two kept close guards on their databanks and quite inadvertently. It was second nature to keep their firewalls erected at all times unless a spark mate was involved. But sometimes, in the heat of the moment, when their overloads began to consume them…they would see into each other's most private memories and thoughts.

"I…I can't take anymore!!" Starscream shrieked, knocking the teasing hand aside to throw open his own codpiece with unrestrained vigor. Lubricant dripped down his pelvic armor and Optimus could _smell_ the saccharine odor. It was a sweet, deadly poison.

Optimus chuckled, sliding a finger inside the oh so tight valve. It never ceased to amaze him that even though they'd done this dozens of times, Starscream's valve remained incredibly tight, the internal walls not softening. And Starscream was a perfect fit for him. Sometimes, Optimus would toy with Starscream's spike, and even entertain thoughts of having that spike inside _him_ but he couldn't relinquish control. He would truly be lost, truly be gone if he submitted.

Starscream drove down onto Optimus's hand, the Prime inserting another finger. "Oh, yes, Prime, please," he shuddered, legs spreading wider, giving Optimus better access to his port.

He wondered what Megatron would think if he knew his most hated enemy was pleasuring his Air Commander. He had no doubt in his processor that Megatron would either seriously maim or kill Starscream. Fraternizing with the enemy was no doubt high on Megatron's list for insubordination. And Optimus knew he couldn't allow Megatron to harm Starscream. He'd abduct the Seeker before the opportunity ever presented itself. He knew he was becoming too close to Starscream and that he was beginning to _feel_ for the Seeker; exactly what he didn't want to happen when they began this.

"Now!" Starscream shouted gratuitously, hands rising from where they were at his sides, claws clipping into Optimus's codpiece, drawing out the cable with frantic movements.

Optimus's frame vibrated at the tentative touches, almost shy, of Starscream's hands on his interface spike. He would never tire of this. His knees drove into the ground and metal screeched against metal as he straddled the Seeker's narrow hips, watching in rapt fascination at his spike sliding in and out of Starscream's hands. Rarely Starscream would lavish attention upon him but there had been a few times that Starscream had taken his spike into his mouth and imitated the obscenity of the humans. But Optimus hadn't complained. With Starscream on his knees and his spike in Starscream's mouth, his glossa enjoying it like an energon goodie-Optimus had overloaded in mere minutes, the vivid imagery almost as enjoyable as the act itself.

"_Optimus_…" Starscream whined, hips wiggling.

Optimus nodded, grabbing Starscream roughly, lifting him off the ground and slamming into him with reckless abandonment. He moaned loud enough for the rocks on the cliff over head to tumble to the ground beneath. Starscream was unbelievably rigid as he thrust into him, _pounded_ into him, knowing that Starscream could take it and that he fucking _loved_ it. He was never gentle with Starscream; there were times that he would leave, battered and covered in scratches, covered in Starscream's paint. And he knew Starscream wasn't any better off.

"Don't fucking baby me!" Starscream grunted, meeting Optimus's motions with his own, "HARD!"

Optimus didn't refuse Starscream's requests as he pummeled Starscream with the force of his movements, driving the Seeker into the ground, his hands leaving massive dents in Starscream's shoulder armor. He _almost_ retracted his battle mask, _almost_ kissed that beautiful Seeker but that would betray another level intimacy that he wasn't prepared for, wasn't ready to delve into. His optics went off line when Starscream scrambled desperately at the armor that protected his spark chamber. The plating parting and he could feel his spark reaching for Starscream's.

His motions jerked, his body thrumming, as their sparks touched and danced, meeting in an orgasmic copulation of sensations. Starscream's shouts of ecstasy mingled with his own. Their overloads were always earth shattering, always left in sensory fogs for hours afterwards; he was often shocked that he made it back to the ARK in one piece.

"_OPTIMUS_!"

That was enough, overloading with a harsh cry, feeling Starscream's valve clamp down onto his spike, excess lubricant dripping to the ground, Optimus roared. Their sparks pulsated with surplus energy and Optimus was dimly aware of Starscream experiencing a second overload. But he couldn't think, couldn't process anything but the absolute necessities of remaining online, as he withdrew from Starscream's eager body and their sparks retreated back into the deep recesses of their chambers.

They lay panting as their intakes managed to return to normal and their bodies vibrated violently with the aftershocks of their fornication. They seldom spoke in the moments that followed and they basked into the aftermaths of their interfacing. Optimus assumed Starscream was just as revolted as he was. But underneath that revulsion was an attraction that terrified and shamed Optimus. It would have been so easy to find a lover at the ARK-there were dozens of willing mechs that would have readily warmed his berth and he had to choose a Decepticon. The Decepticon second in command and the one that Megatron was insanely possessive of.

Starscream's was touching his thigh, fingers swirling in the left over lubricant. Optimus's optics widened as the uncharacteristic post coitus attention. He glanced at the Seeker's body, not surprise to see the damage to his frame, at the blue paint that was smeared over his chassis and on the glass of his cockpit. He looked at his own body; the scratches and dents were numerous and the streaks of Starscream's paint were all over his frame. Starscream chuckled. "How have you managed to not get caught?"

Optimus was taken aback by Starscream's attempt at conversation. "Good luck I guess."

"That's some luck, Prime." Starscream smiled wanly, closing Optimus's codpiece with a click.

"Does…anyone know?" he asked tentatively, wary of this strange turn of their relationship.

Starscream was quiet for a few breems, red optics staring into the distance, not focused. The Seeker was brilliant. Optimus knew as much from doing basic research on the Air Commander. He was the pride of the War Academy and a genius scientist. Optimus wondered if Megatron ever exploited Starscream's intellect. He doubted it. Megatron wouldn't listen to Starscream and it was obvious at some of Megatron's failed attempts.

"I don't know." One of Starscream's hand curled into a clump of grass beside him. "…Things…have been said."

"What do you mean?"

"Thundercracker and Skywarp are my trine mates and because of that, we're bonded to one another. They _feel_ my emotions. They haven't said anything to me but I believe that are well aware of where I disappear to and who I am with. But they wouldn't betray me. As for Soundwave…I know he will tell Megatron if his suspicions are confirmed."

Soundwave. Of course the telepath would know, would suspect. The bitter enmity that existed between the second and third in commands was well known throughout both factions. "What would Megatron do if he learned of our…relationship?"

"Don't flatter yourself, Prime. There is no relationship," he scoffed but Optimus could hear in his voice that Starscream didn't believe his own words. "And it doesn't matter what Megatron would do. I've lived through worse," he muttered, looking at Optimus. "He wouldn't dare kill me. He knows he would lose his Seekers and he isn't willing to lose them."

Optimus had always assumed that Megatron abused Starscream, that he took all of his anger and frustration out on the flyer. How long had Starscream dealt with the neglect? How could Megatron mistreat such a beautiful mech when he should have been worshipping the Seeker's body at every given opportunity? And since when had lustful urges transformed into affection and concern?

"We have to stop this, Prime."

Optimus had always known that this day would come but he hadn't expected it to hurt like this. "If that is what you wish."

Starscream optic's narrowed, "You're as emotionless as they say, aren't you?" he sneered. "Once I leave, I'm not returning and I'm not going to contact you again. It's done."

He wasn't emotionless. The Matrix often made it impossible to _feel_. But the prospect of not having this with Starscream was painful, made his spark twist in his chest. "If you were that keen on the idea of severing this between us, you would have already left."

"I'm not risking my chassis for _you_," Starscream snarled, rising to his pedes, hands clenching into fists at his sides. "I was stupid to even _start_ this with you!"

Optimus stood, placing a soothing hand on Starscream's bristling shoulder. He wasn't surprised when the Seeker brushed him off. As much as Starscream craved the comfort, he couldn't swallow his massive pride. "We are both at fault, Starscream. And don't think that you're the only one that should fear the repercussions if _this_," he motioned to them both, "Becomes common knowledge. My Autobots would question my sanity. They would wonder if I am fit to lead them for carrying on a dalliance with a Decepticon, especially you. There may be a rebellion against me. I have more to lose then you. I would lose my team's respect, loyalty, and trust."

"Then why let it continue?!" Starscream snapped, red optics blazing. "We're morons, Prime! But I can't seem to say away from you! I've tried," he muttered, heaving a sigh.

"Then defect." Optimus had often considered the possibility and had secretly yearned for it. Starscream would have been a welcome addition to his ranks and with Starscream, Thundercracker and Skywarp would follow. And then, the two of them could be together without the need for hiding it. But did Optimus truly want Starscream for more then just interfacing? He glanced at the gorgeous face. Perhaps in another time, another place, the two of them could have had the perfect love. A dream's creation that would never be reality. Because for all of his optimism, the very notion of Starscream becoming an Autobot was absurd.

"You know that's not going to happen. That's almost as crazy as you becoming a Decepticon. Maybe if this war ever ends…" Starscream left the rest unspoken. More then likely one or both of them would be dead before a victor was crowned.

"_Why_ did you come onto me in the first place?" he queried, the hand on Starscream's shoulder trailing towards one wing.

"I was hurt, Prime. And you were the only one to respond to my SOS. And it felt good to have your undivided attention. Megatron had never looked me that way and really, how could I repay you for fixing me up when all I had to offer was my body?"

Optimus remembered their first interface-he'd saved it to his hard drives. It had been clumsy and awkward and embarrassing. But hot and sensual and how he'd longed to repeat the experience in the weeks following. He'd been bewildered to receive a private call from Starscream. From there, it had just spiraled into a regular rendezvous, once a week, at the same place, same time until it became a routine.

"I didn't expect payment for services rendered, Starscream. You were injured and I repaired you to the best of my limited medical abilities. Friend or foe, I will not leave any to suffer and die needlessly."

"Even when I would have probably not returned the favor if our roles had been reversed?"

"That's what separates us, Starscream. And it always will."

Starscream shrugged, "Maybe. I have to go. Thundercracker and Skywarp are beginning to feel anxious. Optimus…this is goodbye."

"I understand."

"Of course you do," he chuckled, a rare smile curling his lips, "Will you miss it? Will you miss _me?"_

Optimus gently cupped the Seeker's face in one of his palms, thumb rubbing Starscream's bottom lip, "Yes. These meetings have become a part of us. Just as much as much as the war has."

"Remove your mask."

Optimus hesitantly complied, revealing his face; one of the reasons he kept his from view was because of how easy he was to read. Not because of the faded scars but because he couldn't keep his true feelings from showing. And he knew he was an open book for Starscream.

"Just as handsome as I'd always imagined," Starscream murmured, "But you have to understand…we can't keep doing this. It's detrimental."

"I know."

Their faces were so close… Before he thought rationally of the consequences, his lips were pressed against Starscream's, the kiss tender and passionate, conveying so much pent up emotions that Optimus felt he might melt at how his body warmed and his spark pulsed. It wasn't right, to be this fixated on one mech, that he was depressed at the prospect that he may not have this anymore. And from how Starscream was clutching him desperately, he was just as affected.

Starscream withdrew, optics half glazed over and panting, hands digging into Optimus's arms. "Nothing changes. When we fight…there can be no sign that there was every anything between us. And if you feel anything for me at all, _do not_ answer my summons. Be the stronger of the two of us."

"Starscream…"

"Swear it."

"…I swear," Optimus felt his entire world slide out from underneath him.

He watched as Starscream transformed, thrusters the last he saw of the Seeker as he disappeared over the horizon. His spark felt like it was breaking, that it was torn in two, but no matter which decision he made, both were wrong and both led to more pain. He had none to blame but himself.


End file.
